The bible was intentional about highlighting the need to continually fuel your fire. To grow spiritually, you need to renew your mind. Surely there can be a decline or there will come days where it becomes difficult to survive and if those days linger more than they should, you will struggle to climb back up.
Unfortunately, most of us only realize this long after we could’ve climbed back easily.
There was a time this blog was strictly a Christian blog, but I’d rather modify it to a Christian lifestyle blog. The reason is, the bible, and Christianity could sometimes seem way out of our reach and practicality. Nevertheless, if we are living this life of Christ boldly, admitting our rights, wrongs, striving with accountability, and sharing our experiences with others, it could perhaps help us draw closer to the God we believe.
Last year was a great year for me spiritually. This is not about me so please focus till the end to get what I am trying to say. I was at an all-time high I desperately am struggling to get back to.
I have said a couple of times on this blog or elsewhere that I struggled with anxiety in 2019. I didn’t know how bad it was or that it was anxiety until I came across those who were on medications for the regular occurrences of my life. I had some of the extreme physical symptoms I don’t wish to mention, but it was bad. I didn’t tell anyone except a friend. Gratefully, she also battled anxiety at some point so she was a willing tool in the hands of God to rescue me from a terrible place.
One of my reasons for not telling anyone was, I imagined how they would look at a 19-year-old who seemingly had everything in life going well, describe how she was so sad for reasons she couldn’t pinpoint and shame her for being ungrateful. The anxiety was not about ingratitude; it was about a self-designed pressure I had no idea I was putting on myself. Either ways, it kept degenerating. I cried every day for months. Through this time, I barely prayed. Even during church services, the messages or the order of service did not penetrate my soul. I was sinking.
The reason I am sharing this story is to draw out a point.
2020 was a better year; for me, for God, and I.
2021 tried to start badly, but I was acting on the scriptures I held unto, so I was better off. Plus, I got close to a friend who had so much scriptural insight to share when we talked that it began easy to make phone conversations, bible study sessions. Not like I was dependent on others to know God, but the community that friendship offered me was instrumental to my growth. It dawned on me how well believers planted in communities perform, as opposed to those who figure out Christianity by themselves. The ones who do, have SPECIAL ENCOUNTERS sufficient for their one-man race. They can complete their course with the curriculum of the Spirit alone whereas the regular person who gives their life to Christ and is seeking to build healthy habits and serve God, needs a platform to experience God and remain rooted amongst other believers. I did not have that.
I am tempted to make it a topic for another day, still, I will tell it all now. The major issue I have encountered in finding a Christian community is the way they have established friendship groups and treat you like an outcast when you join. They do not even do this with the intent to hurt or belittle you it’s just that you will now be like Apostle Paul trying to fit in with the 12 disciples who met Jesus first and were mentored closely by Him; it is a gap you can never close, there will always be a difference. They start out trying to force themselves to accept you, but you eventually discover how inconvenient it is for them to accommodate someone new, and for people like me, that’s our cue to take a walk.
I tried about a few communities and it was not great. In fact, I am partially a part of another one, a friend from service year introduced me, and the same challenge persists. It is not a problem as such, it is only tiring because the whole process drains the new convert who thought they had reached the place they could pitch their tent and flourish.
Later in 2021, I tried. I was listening to sermons, Christian songs, reading my bible every day, fasting weekly, going for prayer charges or stretch prayer programs, I was doing all I could through works to receive my salvation. I understand the place of salvation being worked out with fear and trembling, yet I am forced to believe God gets irritated when He sees you trying to make the Christian experience all about you. I became the person who would rather talk about some supernatural occurrences in my walk with God, than sharing the gospel of peace. I felt better speaking about how much I was growing, I slowly began to forget what watering myself to compel more growth felt like.
By September I was feeling exhausted. I still did not take it as my cue to get help. Everywhere I tried to turn to felt closed. December, I went off social media to focus and beloved, between trying to catch up with family, make money and do chores, I didn’t do a single thing to better my life.
Fast forward to January 2022, other people had words from God for the year, promises and all that, I had nothing. I was just a girl running every day on almost 70 “God abeg” and occasional prayers anchored not on the need to spend time with a loving God, rather, a cry for help.
One way to know if you are ready for help is your doggedness towards finding a solution.
I have been dogged and I am fierce about it, which is why the day I called my mum to cry and she mentioned the Lord told her to tell me to revive this blog, I knew it wasn’t empty talk. God saw how much this blog meant to my spirit, how well it was helping me grow, how the articles changed my life first before touching others. God wanted me back.
This blog was a large part of my life, my identity. It helped me build a community though still small, of people I had never met who truly cared for me and trusted God on the things I wrote about.
Lumiere de Dieu was more than a blog, it was a lifestyle— the kind of life God wanted me to live. You know, this story gets funny. There were the days I would cry, sing to God about reconciliation, then snooze or dismiss my next prayer alarm. Ha! My dear, are you even ready for help?
Back to the story, my issue in getting the blog back was with money. Something had been happening since mid-last year, money was leaving my hands in a way I couldn’t explain. Of course, I could track the money and all, it was spent on good things I presume, still, I couldn’t account for a savings I would be proud of. I would like to paraphrase Apostle Selman by saying “God likes to use some things in your life to draw your attention”. In my case, for someone who has enjoyed the surplus of Heaven, the slightest lack was a great inconvenience and enough reason to be utterly frustrated with life. I couldn’t explain the many reasons for my despair to my mum the day I called her, she didn’t even let me finish. She only passed across the word of the Lord coming to her and supported me greatly to get this blog back.
Getting this blog was not the problem again, the issue became what to use as a comeback post. I have typed a million things and none have appeared a great fit. If my blog is a reiteration or semi-dub of sermons, then I should as well show every reader where to download those messages. If it is a reprint of scripture in different versions, then I should go-ahead to write another bible. So why the blog? God wants this blog to be a place where Christianity is relatable. A place believers share relatable experiences good, benign, or bad, and other readers can find the hope, strength, community, and environment to continue this race set before us all in order to win gloriously in Christ.
I will not be doing all the posts anymore, other people will. It is not my blog, it is God’s blog, it is his work. I will reach out to people as the Spirit leads or the Spirit will direct them to me to partner with God on the amazing things he has planned for us through this community.
I have always been honest, but I usually withhold certain stories because vulnerability on a place like the internet, comes with a price — a price too difficult to pay when you would rather no one remembers what you shared, or even worse, what you overshared. However, if we are led by the Spirit, let us also work by the Spirit. I trust God to lead us all to a place of joy and victorious life in Christ Jesus.
I’m sure you’re wondering how I am doing now? I am fine. I have started praying again, reading the bible, and as much as it is feeling like a chore sometimes and on some days a drag, the Lord will sustain me because this gospel? I will carry it to the ends of the earth for Jesus.
Now there is you reading this, wondering how to pick up and start again, please reach out. We are on social media as Lumiere Believer or you can message me personally (@adaukwunnamdi Twitter, Instagram and Tiktok). Kindly reach out. You do not have to go through it alone and figure it out slowly.
This is also the part where I genuinely beg you to pause your reading and pray for me. The mandate of shinning the light of Jesus and spreading his love one blog post at a time is not anybody’s mate. It is a lifetime job beyond this blog and I need Jesus. I need the help, discernment, and empowerment of the Spirit. Please pray for me genuinely as I trust God concerning you.
Welcome Back to Lumiere de Dieu Christian Blog.
I hope the Lord leads you here to find Him and all the beautiful things a life in him entails. May every read bring you joy, contagious laughter, favor, steady and edifying spiritual growth, healing, insight, and may these words become life to your Spirit, life that will find in the Light of God.
I love you so much.
For Lumiere de Dieu